The end is near

Shannon's heart rate is elevated and not responding to drugs. She's running a temperature and her lungs do not sound good.

A nurse let me know she may have a day to a week. 

I don't know how much of her is left. She doesn't respond in any meaningful way, she can barely move her arm. I just wish she didn't have to go with such a struggle. But that's her way, stubborn to the end.

Quiet days

Thanks for all the support everyone. Over the weekend it was very quiet, Shannon has settled into being asleep 95% of the time. She doesn't make eye contact anymore, though she still smiles at some stories I tell her.

I was out sick the last two days, thankfully family was able to watch over in my stead. The only recent change is an increase of pain medication, I think it's just discomfort from laying in bed for so long. They move her around, but having laid in bed for the last two days more than not, I can say you get uncomfortable.

P.S. She still snores. Loudly sometimes.

Breathe easy

After about three days of Shannon having difficult breathing she's able to relax a bit more now. Some medicine to reduce saliva and the occasional suction has kept her in relative comfort.

Her eyes are open, but she seems unable to focus on anything or anyone. She is concious enough to smile when I tell a joke or too. I keep reminding her she was going to get a tattoo if she made it to the new year. Just a few hours now. 

     As fun as it would be to have a tattoo artist in here, something tells me it would be problematic for many reasons. I think I'll order one of those press-on tattoos. For those that didn't know, she wanted a pink and the brain tattoo, though she never got a design or anything put together before being unable to communicate.

    It's a surreal world we live in right now. I hear several news reports that some funeral homes have to turn people away. They cannot process bodies fast enough. Trying to get final arrangements made during a pandemic is about as difficult as you'd imagine, or worse, have had to do yourselves.

    Shannon wanted her body donated to science, apparently two universities have programs for that. I wonder if she'd get a priority with her very rare tumor.

Rise and fall

     Shannon has taken a downward turn. Yesterday she barely ate (one fishstick and two bites of cake) and slept almost constantly. Today she hasn't even awoke to any degree. They have upgraded her care level because of that and her breathing.

     For going on nine years I have been watching her breathe. If you didn't know she's a deep sleeper and often holds her breath for several seconds between. I lost count of how many times I would awake and have to watch her very closely to see her rise and fall. Woke her up a few times when I couldn't tell. It's been a real fear that I would wakeup one day and she'd be gone, brain aneurysms are much more likely with brain tumor and surgeries. Honestly that's a fear I could live with, at least she'd go peacefully.

        Now I sit and watch her struggle to continue to breathe. She isn't in a coma, but she's not really here either. When she chokes on her spit she coughs and they have to suction her mouth, her eyes open but there's no recognition in them. She's in the perpetual limbo between awake and asleep and cannot get to one or the other. I think sometimes she dreams, her eyes move under her eyelids, I wonder what she dreams. Probably about teaching.

       I hope the end isn't far. She's had to suffer through all this, all I can ask for is peace for her and myself. 

When!

Merry Christmas everyone. Shannon is still doing about the same. She got a lot of sweets for Christmas and I was able to stay overnight. I can stay overnight anytime, but my spine has only recently forgiven me. 

Had a breakthrough yesterday in the 'When' department. In the evening she kept asking again, finally I got her to respond asking if she wanted to know when I was going to leave. Then she wanted to know when I would be back. She then asked again, and again, and several more times. Eventually it set in.

When...

Shannons vocabulary is down to two words. "No" and "When", she has a few other vocalizations, but those are the only real words that come out. I have no idea if when is her trying to say a different word and failing, or she's trying to ask about something in the future or past. I exhausted all the options I could think of. She eventually went to sleep though not before kicked her blankets off, then wanting them back a few times.

Right now the only when she needs to be concerned with is when she goes to the bathroom. She's been backed up for a long time, six days. They say she's not compacted or blocked, but they're also going to have to do some more work to keep her functioning normally.

I know her words got worse the last time she was backed up as well. Hopefully those getting cleared will help her as well.

The grinch stops by

Shannon is okay. Not as loopy or sleepy as over the weekend. Yesterday she told me she was bored, there's not much for her to do and TV only does so much. I've never been much of an entertainer, working on that, but her attention span doesn't work for a D&D game.

She had a coughing fit after having medication go down the wrong tube. The numbness in her right side probably playing a large part in that. For nearly an hour she almost vomited due to coughing. They got more anti-nausia meds in her and she was able to eat dinner. I still don't know why they don't use her IV. 

They did come by with a bit of holiday spirit. A surprisingly good Grinch, whom played the part excellently, even with the slouch and the walk. Shannon was too stunned to say no to pictures.