Rise and fall

     Shannon has taken a downward turn. Yesterday she barely ate (one fishstick and two bites of cake) and slept almost constantly. Today she hasn't even awoke to any degree. They have upgraded her care level because of that and her breathing.

     For going on nine years I have been watching her breathe. If you didn't know she's a deep sleeper and often holds her breath for several seconds between. I lost count of how many times I would awake and have to watch her very closely to see her rise and fall. Woke her up a few times when I couldn't tell. It's been a real fear that I would wakeup one day and she'd be gone, brain aneurysms are much more likely with brain tumor and surgeries. Honestly that's a fear I could live with, at least she'd go peacefully.

        Now I sit and watch her struggle to continue to breathe. She isn't in a coma, but she's not really here either. When she chokes on her spit she coughs and they have to suction her mouth, her eyes open but there's no recognition in them. She's in the perpetual limbo between awake and asleep and cannot get to one or the other. I think sometimes she dreams, her eyes move under her eyelids, I wonder what she dreams. Probably about teaching.

       I hope the end isn't far. She's had to suffer through all this, all I can ask for is peace for her and myself.